Do you know that God is still performing miracles today? Do you know that I had that absolute privilege of experiencing this?
A few close friends know that I've been struggling with a chronic cough for over a year. At some point last week, it got so bad that I lost my voice. And for many months, bouncing between the pulmonologist and the ENT, trying to ensure that nothing nefarious is going on.
I must admit, at many points during the journey, I gravitated towards feelings of fear, that I would not be able to see my children grow up, would not be able to take care of them for longer. It's hard to explain, but the fear and anxiety was overwhelming.
I wrote a very personal letter to God on Monday, during my quiet time with him. I believe God loves vulnerability, and in God, I need not pretend.
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I want to accept your love and all you have for me. I want to trust you, when I don’t see results of my cough improving, and when im plagued by worries about my future, when my mind goes to a place of fear that I will have a painful end. And my worries for my children – who will take care of them? How the grief will be overwhelming for them, how will they do without my care? Who will love them like I do?
I’m anxious that the future is unknown and that im bouncing between anxiety fear, then confessing all these things before you, and then picking them up again and again. I want to leave this at your throne, and trust you have my best interest. Trust you have the best plan for me. You understand my grief and you know exactly the pain Im feeling. Lord, accept me as I am, a weak, feeble person, faithless, I constantly condemn myself. I want to cast this at your feet, and never to take up this burden again. I want to put my trust in you, exchange my weightiness for your joy and your peace. Help me to pray and develop my relationship with you that in times of hardship, I know to grief, but to also not lose hope. Father, teach me a lesson through what the devil has given me, so I may emerge stronger, and wiser, and that my cough will be gone and I can testify of your goodness over my life to many and throughout the world. Let your goodness continue to overshadow my life.
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And then also asked the Lord what He thought of me... and listening to what He is saying about me and to me...
He’s not angry, he loves me, I don’t have to prove my faith is strong for him. He knows my heart, he will meet me where I am, at the level of my faith, he will cry with me, weep with me, but he will also comfort me. He hears, he hold my hand. He just wants me to be a daughter, I don’t need to perform anything to win his favour and love. There is liberty and freedom with him, there is joy, there is peace. Press on. In Him, there is no burden. In him, there are no shadows, in His presence, every fear is wiped away. In His presence, love is so overwhelming, it drowns out any pain. In Him, its not a glimmer of hope, but it’s a bonfire of hope, He changes my heartache and despair into joy, the bubbles and can’t be contained. He cannot be limited by my thoughts, my anxiety, he is not disappointed in me. He is proud of me, im his favourite. He is my beginning and my end, He is the reason for my existence. He embraces all my weakness, he doesn’t condemn me.
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I lay down on the ground, in worship, in surrender to God, admitting that without Him, it would be impossible. Indeed, His grace is sufficient for me.
My cough dissolved on Tuesday. It's not something I can share broadly and have people believe how much it meant to me. It's not something someone can easily empathize unless they have walked though this journey with me. But between God and I, I'm so grateful, so so so grateful and thankful that what has plagued me for over a year, just disappeared like that. My modern day miracle, that God would do it for me. Even it was just between me and Him. I'm so blown away.