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It's been a YEAR!

It's been a year! How time has flown and how ill-disciplined I am at writing. As I reflect back, so much has happened! We are parents of not 1, but 2 babies! You know what they say about 2 under 2... it gets chaotic!

Here's a little picture of my baby boy, who's already 7 months old as I type this. How much of a joy he has been to me. I could stare at his face for hours without getting bored.

The journey with him has not been easy, but its because we have "struggled" together so much, that my love for him is so deep. Through him, I understand the father's heart for me, how it beats for my affection, my attention, and how I need not strive for his affection, it is overwhelming and overflowing for me. Thank you Aaron Jude for showing me a glimpse of the Father's heart for me.

Aaron was diagnosed with acid reflux quite soon after he was born. I knew that there was something amiss when he would not sleep for long and would often wake up crying and grunting in pain. The journey of his diagnosis and management of the illness has not been easy and there was a period when he was barely 3 months old, where he was admitted into hospital for 2 weeks as his issues were preventing him from feeding well. He had also caught a secondary virus from his sister, which caused nights where he would struggle to breathe and had to have oxygen piped to his little lungs.

Those days were so painful and the only question in my life was "where was God in the midst of this?". You see, Aaron had not had it easy. When he was barely a month old, we saw an abscess on his butt that wouldnt go away, the pain and swelling caused him a lot of trauma and we were advised that surgery was the only option, which he had to undergo general anesthesia for it. For a month old baby, accompanying it was a lot of danger and I was filled with fear and dread. I remember sitting with him in the hospital, pre surgery, crying beside him, begging God hopelessly to help him. And I was so so so alone, and it was such a dark place for me.

And that's when God showed up. I sent a request for my church to pray for him and as prayers came in cancelling the need for Aaron's surgery, a few hours before he was wheeled in, I did not even carry the faith to agree with those prayers. In my heart, surgery was the only option and his little body would just have to go through it. But Jesus had plans to surprise my broken heart. a few hours before surgery, the doctors had come to take a few pictures of the abscess and as they removed his diaper, the abscess spontaneously erupted and the pus filled sac broke. Since the toxins were removed, doctors just cleaned him up and discharged him promptly, cancelling any need for any surgical procedure.

Mind you, this incident happened not once, but twice as a month later, he saw another abscess develop in the same area and through prayer, God has allowed him to avert surgery again.

I remember the entire 4-5 months of Aaron's life, I spent a lot of nights crying out to God to rescue my son, and I found myself many times, angry, bitter, shaking my fist at God, accusing Him to be many things he wasn't. Those times, so many people poured out their love to our family. Pastors, leaders and friends came around to pray for us, and many saw me at my weakest, most angry and vulnerable state. Perhaps the ugly side of me came out, and many who saw it continued to pray for God to being me peace and to trust Him with Aaron.

Fast forward to now, Aaron is 7 months old. And as I'm sitting in my hotel in KL, thinking about him. My first business trip away from him and yesterday he developed a fever whilst I was away. Mom and Mark had to take him to the doctors and he's being treated. I was in tears after facetiming with him as it was pure joy watching him shriek in delight as he saw my face (Thank God for technology). How I wish I am able to hold him and tell him everything will be OK, that mommy's coming back soon.

At times like this, sitting alone in a hotel room, discouraged and missing my son, I remind myself that God had brought Aaron through so many dark days, where I was not able to see the light. Despite my lack of faith, God held Aaron's hands throughout. And God wont drop this ball -- He's got Aaron's (and my) back. God, help me to have faith and truly look to you, because you have a spotless record. You never let me down. As David encouraged himself in the Lord, so, will I, so will I.