Our confinement nanny left us today, after 28 days of her helping us around the house and taking such good care of baby Abigail, it was the inevitable time for her to leave. It's amazing how human relationships can forge over such a short time. I bet if Abigail was more mature, she would have cried heaps, because all of us exchanged hugs and tears. Even my husband, who only got to see her on weekends and whose stomach greatly benefited from her cooking -- he too had to wipe away some silent tears. God made relationships, we are such relational beings.

This also marks the time I have to take care of Abigail all by myself, since mom works half days. I must admit I haven't once bathed her, as I am not confident that I will not hurt her fragile body. I must thank God that she has gained good weight on her little frame and definitely seems less fragile now. Not only that, her lungs have somehow super-powered and her screams can wake up a neighbourhood.

The truth is that motherhood isn't a walk in the park, and to top things off, Abigail has suspected colic which leaves her crying and fussing for hours in the evening. That has stressed me out very much, and brought me tears many nights. Why of all babies, my baby has to be fussy? Why do I feel so helpless when she cries? How do I watch her helplessly and not do anything as I watch her writhe in pain? As a mother, there is huge amount of guilt I feel first bringing a baby with low birth weight into this world, and to exacerbate things, she is colicky, yet I we cannot do anything other than to wait-it-out. The way she cries, it's heart-wrenching for a mother to deal with.. your little helpless baby wailing, and as much as you rock her, it brings her no reprieve whatsoever.

I have been asking God to heal her, to accelerate his healing, but I also have many questions. Why me? We prayed through the entire pregnancy, we declared all that we possibly could, we prayed over her and committed her to the Lord, but she seems to be plagued with more that a normal baby, and I am utterly helpless. Many nights, I almost beg God to heal her, to take away her frustration, and I then find it absurd to even beg, because in my heart, I know He desires for Abby not to feel this pain as well. Then the questions begin to swirl through my mind.. why He isn't answering then?

At times like these, when I feel utter complete sadness, the most absurd yet also sanest thing to do is to thank God. Mark has always asked me to focus on the positives as I tend to gravitate towards seeing the worst of all situations. What can I thank God for now?

For a baby given to us so soon after we got married

For a wonderful roof over our heads

For a supportive family (it takes a village/family to raise a child)

For the providence to bring Abigail into this world

That she is a normal child despite scary reports at the start

That she was born safely

We are so honoured to have the chance to steward little Abigail's life, what a privilege. For me, as a mom, it's a process of surrender, surrendering Abigail's life and situation to God. Though worries plague me constantly, how do I tune out the voice that is not God's and say "Enough is enough, I will not allow the joy of motherhood to be stolen from me, I will not stand for the devil stealing Abigail's joy and sleep. I delcare health and wholeness upon her in Jesus' name". How do I declare and believe it enough that it alters my reality.. the journey continues... and I look to Him alone...